Updated: Mar 16, 2020
by Bryanna Gary
Note: I was in class at the time I first started writing this and wasn't supposed to have my phone out, so I tried to lowkey open the Youtube app since that stupid pop-up offering a free trial always appears without fail and I figured it could actually be useful this time. Nope. Did not pop up. I think it's random, but fuck do I know about this garbage?
So I love ASMR. I know it's an acquired taste and not everyone likes listening to someone type or turn the pages of a book, but I find it just delightful and very relaxing. Back when Youtube didn't suck, I could lie in bed and browse Reddit while listening to my favorite ASMRtists to fall asleep. Until one fateful day. A day when a new update for Youtube appeared, and I, being the charmingly naive human that I was, updated without question. Imagine my surprise and devastation when I tried to continue my chill nightly ritual only for the sound to cut off the moment I exited the app.
Not long after (or maybe even around the same time), Youtube introduced a wonderful new service: Youtube Premium, with a host of brand new, innovative features--including (gasp!) the ability to keep a video playing even when not in the app! All for the low, low price of $6.99 a month!
Fuck you, Youtube.
On principle, I refused to ever give Youtube even a cent of my money for a service we'd once had for free. I had no interest in a bunch of crappy Youtube Premium shows starring Youtubers I've never watched, nor did I have any interest in Youtube Music when I was perfectly happy with just having iTunes, then Spotify (both of which are arguably leagues better).
But I did miss being able to exit the Youtube app and still have the audio playing. That's how they get ya. And I refused to get got.
I went on the App Store and found, to my delight, a knockoff Youtube app called Tubex, which functioned the same way as Youtube and still had the feature Youtube had taken away. Even better, Tubex didn't have that annoying pop-up offering a free trial for a bullshit service every time you opened the app.
It was perfect.
Then Youtube had all alternative apps removed from the App Store. Updating my phone one day rendered it completely obsolete.
Fuck. You. Youtube. You are the absolute worst because you know you can get away with being the absolute worst because there aren't any platforms like you out there, so where else would we all go? You're the Comcast of video-sharing platforms and you god damned know it.
But I'll still watch you everyday without fail, of course.
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