The Nine Best Places No One Goes To Where You Can Protest And Not Challenge My Worldview

Updated: Aug 21, 2020

by Bryanna Gary

My comfort matters more than your cause, so here's where you can protest without making me feel bad.

1. That Bakery In Your Neighborhood That The Health Department Gave a 'C' For Some Reason, So No One Ever Goes To It

It's important to start locally when you're trying to start a movement, and what better place to start than your own neighborhood?

However, it's important to keep in mind that people live in neighborhoods, which means they might come across you protesting if you go somewhere heavily populated. That's why the best place to start is undoubtedly that tiny little bakery that has been around for years somehow even though it's clearly a health hazard and doesn't receive more than two or three customers in a day.

Just try and keep your voices down so you don't disturb those three customers.

2. Your House

You know, as I think about it, I realize that you can't protest as effectively at a bakery since you're in public and, you know, you would quite rightfully be charged with disturbing the peace if you protest a system you think is broken where people can hear you.

Besides, I've heard that disturbing people when you protest will just turn them against you anyway. Just like that.

But if you are looking to cause a disturbance, what better place to do it without disrupting anyone's day than in the comfort of your own home? It's private, it's safe, you can damage property to your heart's content. Really, there's no downsides to making this your prime protest spot.

Then again, you'll undoubtedly be loud and obnoxious enough that other people may still accidentally hear what you're saying.

Maybe the best way to solve that is to go, more specifically . . .

3. Deep Inside Your House

Do you have a basement? A closet? One of those big industrial fridges? Any enclosed space that insulates sound really well. And sight. And thought.

4. Antarctica, But Not The People Parts

I know it's cold and sometimes perpetually dark here and it's a research hotspot but not much else, but you know what it has a lot of? Potential. Imagine holding up clever signs about how climate change will kill us all right where the climate change is hitting hardest. If you really want to send a message, you can maybe even stand on one of the polar icecaps that are rapidly melting, and if you fall in that means climate change is real. That'll really drive your point home.

On a completely unrelated note, did you know that the wind in Antarctica can reach an upwards of 185 mph? That's some pretty loud, whistly wind, isn't it? Might be pretty difficult for people to shout over all that wind. It's also pretty snowy there. Might be hard to see those signs with all that snow.

Anyway, it's the perfect place for a protest. But if you're looking for somewhere a little warmer to start a revolution, you can always head to...

5. The Desert Just Before Area 51

I know this whole "storming Area 51" situation is old news and was pretty anticlimactic, but keep in mind that I don't mean going all the way to Area 51 where there's living, breathing guards who might hear all your yelling about black people getting murdered by cops or whatever. No, I'm talking about hanging out in the middle of the desert. According to Google, humans yelling can be heard as far as five miles, so you should maybe try to make that the minimum distance between you and Area 51. Or anything else.

6. Tristan da Cunha

According to my extensive research, the most remotely inhabited place on Earth is Tristan da Cunha, a cluster of islands in the south Atlantic Ocean with a population of 250 people. You can only get there by getting permission from the Island Council and going on a five-day boat trip from South Africa, but only after taking a sixteen-hour flight to South Africa if you live in the U.S. If you live in New York specifically, this cluster of islands is a whooping 6,600 miles away.

So it's the perfect place to protest injustices in your own country.

7. The Pacific Ocean

It's the Atlantic Ocean, but bigger. Much, much bigger. Lots more space to protest. Just get a boat and paddle out to sea. Better yet, do you happen to have a diving suit or something? Protesting underwater works even better. Sure, sound doesn't carry too well in water and people don't exactly pass the time by going to the middle of the Pacific Ocean to listen to a protest, but that's what makes it so effective for protesting without irritating anyone! And that should take priority, of course: drawing as little attention to your cause as humanly possible.

And a diving suit includes a fun little mask like the ones that you people like to wear when you go around smashing things and harassing people.

8. SCP-3008 (The Endless Ikea)

So the SCP Foundation is known for being a bit stingy with the specifics on locations, dates, and such, but I'm sure if you did your research you could figure out exactly where this endless Ikea is. And once you find it, you know what you can do? Go inside it. Sure, you might get lost for a little while (a few years max, I'm sure), but there's so much space and it's probably so nice and echoey and there's free Swedish meatballs and lots of faceless, oddly shaped employees that can listen to you protest before they go berserk at night and rip you into pieces.

And you might be able to find your way out afterwards. But don't bother anyone outside the Ikea. You're not trying to actually disturb anyone with your protesting. That defeats the purpose.

9. The Vacuum of Space

And finally, how 'bout firing up the 'ol rocket and making your way into the cosmos? I hear it's beautiful up there. Lots of stars and stuff.

What? What do you mean sound doesn't carry in space? You mean to tell me that if you were to follow my advice and make your way deep into the endless vacuum of space that no one would ever be able to hear you protest, feel guilty about their perpetual inaction regarding the issues you're raising, and feel compelled to actually do something to change the system that is deeply corrupted at its core instead of living a life of comfort ignoring those issues by pretending protestors like you don't exist?


#protest #politics #politicalsatire #satire

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